Being Kind!

As I mentioned in my post from last week I really loved the new movie version of Cinderella. Again the quote that caught my attention was this – “I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer - have courage and be kind!”  I thought the movie illustrated these two attributes well. My post last week was about Courage and this post is about Kindness.

Kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Synonyms for kindness include compassion, gentleness, benevolence, thoughtfulness, consideration, and helpfulness. These words don’t describe something that requires a herculean effort does it? But it is easier to say and harder to put into consistent practice.

Our happiness, peace and HOPE are inextricably related to the quality of our relationships, most especially our family relationships. Researchers Dave and Cindy Settle Sandberg have found five strategies that help families thrive; they are kindness, forgiveness, commitment, self-sacrifice, and avoidance of relational aggression.  (see Strategies For Sacred Living, BYU Magazine, Summer 2011)  I hope to focus future blogs on the other four strategies in future blog posts. On kindness, the researchers commented: “being kind is a choice we make to interpret others’ motives in a benevolent way. If one spouse breaks a dish, for example, the other spouse has options about how to explain that event: “She’s so careless” or “She must be tired; maybe I can help.”… Behaving kindly shows that we think others are valuable. Unkindness usually reflects an idea that we think others are stupid, careless, annoying, or unimportant. It’s important to make a distinction between being “nice,” which covers for unkind feelings, and being kind, which comes from a deeper place. Kindness requires much more of a transformed heart…”

Our words can be the weapons that inflict deep wounds or the salve that soothes them. Why is it that those we love are often the target of our unkind words? There are many answers to this question but in general we are unkind because it’s easier.  Energy flows in the path of least resistance. Water follows the path of least resistance by flowing down hill. People, like water, often follow the path of least resistance – meaning that often our first inclination is to do that which is easiest. It is easy to find fault, to be critical, and to be negative. It is easy to be silent when our words could soothe, or do nothing when our acts could lift another.

What can we do to be more kind?  How can we change our inclinations?  A few ideas come to mind:

Listen! Strive to follow the 90/10 rule. Listen 90% of the time and talk 10% of the time.  “Learn to listen and listen to learn.”   “Listening is not a passive activity. To actively listen to another person requires willpower, concentration, and great mental effort. Its rewards are many, because only then do we really learn to understand…” (Thomas S Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)

Be quick to observe and to give praise!  Open your eyes, there are people suffering all around us. Getting involved in your neighborhood and community will help you see that there are people all around you starving for a little kindness to be shown them. Dale Carnegie, a well-known American author and lecturer, believed that “each person has within himself or herself the power to increase the sum total of [the] world’s happiness … by giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged… Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.” 

Give others the benefit of the doubt! Don’t judge others harshly! “You can find good in everyone if you will but look for it.” (George Albert Smith) I love the story told by the late Stephen R Covey in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People about judging others. In his own words:

“I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly -- some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.”

Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn't have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man's pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.

A wise man once said, “When you meet someone assume that they are in serious trouble and you will be right more than half the time.” We don’t know what’s going on inside others lives – let’s be quick to give them the benefit of the doubt – and don’t judge them harshly!

And finally, in as much as our words can be turned into weapons of unkindness, before you speak ask yourself these three questions:

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

These suggestions are not exhaustive and I am sure that many of you have great suggestions to help us be more kind.  I’m very interested to add them to the blog so feel free to comment.

“Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days.” (Ecclesiastes 11:1)  What goes around comes around. I firmly believe that as we are kind to others, we will receive more kindness in return.  Out of this wellspring of kindness will blossom increased HOPE!

Till next time, keep your head up!