Go Forward Without Regret:

Recently I read an article that asked what would I be thinking if I were to have an interview with God in one minute? So I took several minutes to ponder deeply about what I really would be thinking if I were in that situation. My thoughts centered on where I had fallen short in my relationships with my family, a failure to explore and develop my talents and dreams, and a few regrets of things I would have changed about myself. I thought nothing about the deadly four P's – Possessions, Power, Prestige or Prominence. The terminally ill have similar regrets.

Bronnie Ware is a palliative care nurse who worked for several years caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She asked them if they had any regrets or if they had anything they would do differently? She said common themes surfaced again and again.

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

“1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.” (www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01 & Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie Ware)

Take some time to really reflect on your life in these five areas. There are remedies to counter these regrets - they include the following:

Set worthwhile goals that are challenging. See blog post from January 3rd, 2015

Dedicate time to the important relationships in your life. Often we say well I am spending quality time with my family - for the most part that is a slippery slope of self-justification for not nurturing relationships. In our most important relationships in life, LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E.

Seek first to understand then to be understood - one of Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. There is nothing that can't be said if it is said in the spirit of love. Most often those we love just need someone to listen to them. Mend relationships by spending generous amounts of time listening to and expressing feelings with love and genuine concern. What this means is giving your whole attention to your loved one - not a time for multi-tasking.

In this digital world the sky is the limit for re-establishing long lost relationships. If you’re computer illiterate or naive to social media any teenager in your life most likely knows enough to help you. As the old telephone commercials used to say – Reach Out and Touch Someone. By the way, snail mail still is delivered, the phone still works, and there is nothing better than face-to-face conversation with those that are nearby. For those not nearby there is Skype and FaceTime. Pick up the phone, write a letter, or get on the computer and seek out those people in your life that were once close to you.

Finally, realize that the most important choice you make each day is your choice of an attitude. See blog post from February 15th, 2015. Count your blessings, as you do you will be surprised how blessed you are. I have shared this quote before but it bears repeating. “I complained that I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet.” That puts life into proper focus.

As you ponder the regrets of the dying and the suggestions above you will be inspired with other things you can do to increase your happiness and decrease the regrets you may have. If you do, you will be infused with hope in the present and the future will be brighter too. Till next time, keep your head up.

WHAT’S IN YOUR BACKPACK?

A few years ago our scout troop from church planned a high adventure hike down to Havasupai in the Grand Canyon. In general the hike is pretty tough, especially with a full pack.  These scouts were older and more experienced in the outdoors.  One very athletic young man about 16 years old was really struggling. When they reached the campsite the adult leaders realized that this scout’s pack was way too heavy.  When they looked inside the reason for his exertion became evident.  He had brought and carried large cans of food, but what’s more he had also carried a full size Coleman camp stove and the fuel to cook the food. He had carried this burden for 10 strenuous miles. Still to this day I chuckle about this and feel sorry for this young man’s experience.  He had not been taught the principles of ultra-light backpacking and how enjoyable backpacking can be when your load is light.

Now the purpose of this post is not to extol the virtues of ultra-light back packing but to extol the virtues of ultra-light living and how life can be filled with hope and joy when we don’t carry burdens around unnecessarily. We all live with regrets. We regret things we have done or said or we regret leaving things unsaid or undone. We hold grudges, prejudices, and biases. We want what we don’t have, worry over what we do have, and covet what others have.  At times we are jealous, suspicious, and cynical.  There are times when we refuse to forgive, we judge harshly, and we are down right cranky.  Sometimes we are just doing things we know are wrong, things that don’t agree with the values we hold dear. These attitudes and behaviors are a few of the things that weigh us down in life, that we carry every day, every minute, every step.  This is exhausting and sucks hope right out of us!

If we are ever to hope for a better day we have to unload our backpacks, and lighten up.  Life is too short to carry unnecessary baggage.  It drags us down. How do we jettison this excess load?

First we have to focus on what we have not what we don’t have. I am reminded of a time when I was traveling with my daughter on a two-week trip to Spain and Italy.  Our final stop was Rome – the eternal city. I was exhausted, sleep deprived, and homesick.  I woke up on one of our last days in a foul mood until I realized what an idiot I was being – I said to myself – I am in Rome, a city that I love, with my oldest daughter who is so good and kind – why am I so unhappy? At about this time the words of a song popped into my head:

“When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by…”

As I did what the song suggested, I realized that I was very blessed and privileged to be where I was, joy poured into my heart and lifted my spirit and I was happy the rest of the trip.  As we focus on what we do have rather than on what we don’t have we will realize that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

Count your blessings. When our children were younger, Ruth and I would have them make a list of 100 things they were thankful for prior to giving us their Christmas wish list.  If you are struggling with your load of care take time to list at least 100 blessings you are thankful for and you will realize how blessed you are. Dwell on this list not the wish list.

Look to those values that are most dear to you, are you living up to the standards you’ve set for yourself?  If not, resolve today to change, set 1 SMART goal to improve one step at a time. (See post from 3 January 2015), Become the person you’ve always wanted to be.

Look to your relationships.  Decide today to forgive someone for what they have done to you.  Not forgiving another person is perhaps one of the heaviest burdens we carry, and one that cankers our souls like rust corrodes steel over time. Look for the best in others, and you just might find it; when you do give praise, this practice will lift others and your spirits.

Don’t judge others harshly; give them the benefit of the doubt and more.  I once heard a story of man on a train with his several children. He seemed to be in a stupor. His kids were unruly and running around the car wildly disturbing commuters. After observing this for several minutes one passenger finally couldn’t take it any longer and said something like this, “Sir, are you going to do something about your children?” The man’s reply as he awakened from his daze? “Oh, I’m so sorry; you see, we have just come from the hospital where their mother died and I have no idea what I’m going to do.” A wise man once taught;  “when you meet someone for the first time, treat them as if they are in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.” Be kind!

These suggestions are not exhaustive and I am sure with a little thought you can think of other things you can do or stop doing that will help lighten your backpack.  Your list of unnecessary baggage will be different from mine – the point is, lighten your load.  As you do so you will find that your step will be lighter, your endurance greater, and your hope will be brighter.

The Power of Optimism

Hope is not just being optimistic!  However, it stands to reason that people that are more optimistic tend to be more hopeful.  There are also perks that come to people that are optimistic!  For example:  according to researchers from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, there are health benefits to being optimistic including lower cholesterol levels and better blood sugar control.  In the same study optimistic people were also physically more active, less likely to smoke and more likely to be in optimal cardiovascular health. Researches have also found that optimistic people had better immune systems, pain tolerance, improved recovery from cancer, and better pregnancy outcomes.  Optimistic people cope better with stress and find ways to avoid or decrease their stress levels that can have a negative impact on health.

Being optimistic and thinking positively can have a tremendous impact in our lives and what we can do and achieve. The following true story illustrates this:

On July 18, 1944 Arne Andersson set the world record in the mile at 4:01.6.  By 1954 over 50 Medical Journals published articles saying it was humanly impossible to run the mile in under 4 Minutes. A young English medical student didn’t believe them. He believed that if he trained his mind, his body would follow.  He refused to limit his own potential.  He began to train with that end in mind and on May 6, 1954 he ran the mile in 3:59.4 breaking the world record by 2.2 seconds.  The runner’s name – Roger Bannister.  He held the world record for only six weeks; Australian John Landy broke his record on June 21, 1954.  Landy admitted that he was just as capable of breaking 4 minutes in the mile six weeks before Bannister as he was 6 weeks after, but he didn’t think it could be done.  After Bannister did the impossible, other long standing track and field records also began to fall as athletes reasoned that if Bannister could break the 4-minute mile then they could do great things too.

Roger Bannister won the battle of the mind!

Dr. Martin E.P. Seligman in Learned Optimism taught, “People who believe they cause good things tend to like themselves better than people who believe good things come from other people or circumstances.

Habits of thinking need not be forever. One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last twenty years is that individuals can choose the way they think. 

Why should we bother to learn to think optimistically? Isn't pessimism just a posture with no real effects? Unfortunately not. I have studied pessimism for the last twenty years, and in more than one thousand studies, involving more than half a million children and adults, pessimistic people do worse than optimistic people in three ways: First, they get depressed much more often. Second, they achieve less at school, on the job, and on the playing field -- much less than their talents would suggest. Third, their physical health is worse than that of optimists. So holding a pessimistic theory of the world may be the mark of sophistication, but it is a costly one.”

How do we change our thinking?  It starts with realizing that the most important decision you make each day is your choice of an attitude. 10% of life is what happens to you, and 90% how you react.  How you react to adversity, bad news, pain, suffering, setbacks, and other negative life events is 100% up to you!

Focus on what you have, not what you don’t have – what you can do, not what you can’t do – what you have accomplished, not what is still left undone!

Many of us feel the pressures of life closing in around us.  This pressure can jade our view and influence our paradigms – or how we view the world and lead us to be pessimistic.  Realize that much of the pressure we feel is artificial and applied by the one staring back at us in the mirror.  Take a step back, give yourself a break, and prioritize!

Fear Not!  This too shall pass!

The great baseball manager Branch Rickey was asked once to describe his greatest day in baseball.  He said, “I can’t because I haven’t had it yet!”  Your greatest days are ahead of you not in the rearview mirror.

Remember; one of the most significant findings in psychology in the last twenty years is that individuals can choose the way they think. 

Now are these suggestions a panacea for all pessimistic thoughts – no, but it’s a good start. If you consistently apply these principles it will change your life for the better – I know because they have changed mine!

If you have suggestions on how to think more optimistically drop me a line and I’ll add them to this post.

Have a great week!