Recently I read an article that asked what would I be
thinking if I were to have an interview with God in one minute? So I took
several minutes to ponder deeply about what I really would be thinking if I
were in that situation. My thoughts centered on where I had fallen short in my
relationships with my family, a failure to explore and develop my talents and
dreams, and a few regrets of things I would have changed about myself. I
thought nothing about the deadly four P's – Possessions, Power, Prestige or
Prominence. The terminally ill have similar regrets.
Bronnie Ware is a palliative care nurse who worked for
several years caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She
asked them if they had any regrets or if they had anything they would do
differently? She said common themes surfaced again and again.
Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by
Ware:
“1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to
myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize
that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see
how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half
of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had
made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no
longer have it.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed
their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of
this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female
patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted
spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace
with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never
became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating
to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old
friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them
down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden
friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not
giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses
their friends when they are dying.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize
until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns
and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their
emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending
to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they
longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
(www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01 & Top Five Regrets of the
Dying, Bronnie Ware)
Take some time to really reflect on your life in these five
areas. There are remedies to counter these regrets - they include the
following:
Set worthwhile goals that are challenging. See blog post
from January 3rd, 2015
Dedicate time to the important relationships in your life.
Often we say well I am spending quality time with my family - for the most part
that is a slippery slope of self-justification for not nurturing relationships.
In our most important relationships in life, LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E.
Seek first to understand then to be understood - one of
Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. There is nothing that can't be
said if it is said in the spirit of love. Most often those we love just need
someone to listen to them. Mend relationships by spending generous amounts of
time listening to and expressing feelings with love and genuine concern. What
this means is giving your whole attention to your loved one - not a time for
multi-tasking.
In this digital world the sky is the limit for
re-establishing long lost relationships. If you’re computer illiterate or naive
to social media any teenager in your life most likely knows enough to help you.
As the old telephone commercials used to say – Reach Out and Touch Someone. By
the way, snail mail still is delivered, the phone still works, and there is
nothing better than face-to-face conversation with those that are nearby. For
those not nearby there is Skype and FaceTime. Pick up the phone, write a
letter, or get on the computer and seek out those people in your life that were
once close to you.
Finally, realize that the most important choice you make
each day is your choice of an attitude. See blog post from February 15th, 2015.
Count your blessings, as you do you will be surprised how blessed you are. I
have shared this quote before but it bears repeating. “I complained that I had
no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet.” That puts life into proper focus.
I'm really enjoying your blog!
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