Being Kind!

As I mentioned in my post from last week I really loved the new movie version of Cinderella. Again the quote that caught my attention was this – “I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer - have courage and be kind!”  I thought the movie illustrated these two attributes well. My post last week was about Courage and this post is about Kindness.

Kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Synonyms for kindness include compassion, gentleness, benevolence, thoughtfulness, consideration, and helpfulness. These words don’t describe something that requires a herculean effort does it? But it is easier to say and harder to put into consistent practice.

Our happiness, peace and HOPE are inextricably related to the quality of our relationships, most especially our family relationships. Researchers Dave and Cindy Settle Sandberg have found five strategies that help families thrive; they are kindness, forgiveness, commitment, self-sacrifice, and avoidance of relational aggression.  (see Strategies For Sacred Living, BYU Magazine, Summer 2011)  I hope to focus future blogs on the other four strategies in future blog posts. On kindness, the researchers commented: “being kind is a choice we make to interpret others’ motives in a benevolent way. If one spouse breaks a dish, for example, the other spouse has options about how to explain that event: “She’s so careless” or “She must be tired; maybe I can help.”… Behaving kindly shows that we think others are valuable. Unkindness usually reflects an idea that we think others are stupid, careless, annoying, or unimportant. It’s important to make a distinction between being “nice,” which covers for unkind feelings, and being kind, which comes from a deeper place. Kindness requires much more of a transformed heart…”

Our words can be the weapons that inflict deep wounds or the salve that soothes them. Why is it that those we love are often the target of our unkind words? There are many answers to this question but in general we are unkind because it’s easier.  Energy flows in the path of least resistance. Water follows the path of least resistance by flowing down hill. People, like water, often follow the path of least resistance – meaning that often our first inclination is to do that which is easiest. It is easy to find fault, to be critical, and to be negative. It is easy to be silent when our words could soothe, or do nothing when our acts could lift another.

What can we do to be more kind?  How can we change our inclinations?  A few ideas come to mind:

Listen! Strive to follow the 90/10 rule. Listen 90% of the time and talk 10% of the time.  “Learn to listen and listen to learn.”   “Listening is not a passive activity. To actively listen to another person requires willpower, concentration, and great mental effort. Its rewards are many, because only then do we really learn to understand…” (Thomas S Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)

Be quick to observe and to give praise!  Open your eyes, there are people suffering all around us. Getting involved in your neighborhood and community will help you see that there are people all around you starving for a little kindness to be shown them. Dale Carnegie, a well-known American author and lecturer, believed that “each person has within himself or herself the power to increase the sum total of [the] world’s happiness … by giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged… Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.” 

Give others the benefit of the doubt! Don’t judge others harshly! “You can find good in everyone if you will but look for it.” (George Albert Smith) I love the story told by the late Stephen R Covey in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People about judging others. In his own words:

“I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly -- some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.”

Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn't have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man's pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.

A wise man once said, “When you meet someone assume that they are in serious trouble and you will be right more than half the time.” We don’t know what’s going on inside others lives – let’s be quick to give them the benefit of the doubt – and don’t judge them harshly!

And finally, in as much as our words can be turned into weapons of unkindness, before you speak ask yourself these three questions:

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

These suggestions are not exhaustive and I am sure that many of you have great suggestions to help us be more kind.  I’m very interested to add them to the blog so feel free to comment.

“Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days.” (Ecclesiastes 11:1)  What goes around comes around. I firmly believe that as we are kind to others, we will receive more kindness in return.  Out of this wellspring of kindness will blossom increased HOPE!

Till next time, keep your head up! 

Got Courage?

I am back after a week hiatus for spring break.  While on spring break I went to see the new Cinderella movie with my family.  I have to admit that the story of Cinderella is one of my favorites and I never tire of the new versions that are released from time to time. Some I enjoy more than others … but this one I really enjoyed a lot because it emphasized two timeless principles that I would like to make the focus of my next two blog posts.  The line from the movie that caught my attention was this – “I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer - have courage and be kind!”  I think these two attributes will bring HOPE into our lives if practiced faithfully and consistently. I will talk about courage in this post and about kindness in my post next week.

The word Courage comes from the latin word cor meaning the heart and is defined as the ability to do something that frightens one or strength in the face of pain or grief. A Middle English definition denotes the heart as the seat or source of this ability or strength.

Often we think of Courage as an attribute of soldiers and others that put themselves in harms way or risk their lives to help or protect others. The men and women in the military, law enforcement, and other public service professions including members of fire departments etc. are very courageous and do provide a very honorable and valuable service to our communities and each of us – for this they deserve our loyalty and admiration.

But there are others who manifest what I call quite courage.  These are they who without fanfare face ravaging disease or devote a significant time to care for a loved one with health challenges or a terminal illness. Quite courage is manifested by others that go beyond the call of duty to minister to the needs of others; that put service to others above comfort of self.  For these individuals – courage is a way of life not a trite platitude. "Scottish poet and novelist Robert Louis Stevenson declared, “Everyday courage has few witnesses. But yours is no less noble because no drum beats for you and no crowds shout your name.”  “Courage … is … not only … a willingness to die manfully but also … the determination to live decently.” (Thomas S Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)

“Courage comes in many forms. Wrote the Christian author Charles Swindoll: “Courage is not limited to the battlefield … or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are inner tests, like remaining faithful when no one’s looking, … like standing alone when you’re misunderstood.” I would add that this inner courage also includes doing the right thing even though we may be afraid, defending our beliefs at the risk of being ridiculed, and maintaining those beliefs even when threatened with a loss of friends or of social status. He who stands steadfastly for that which is right must risk becoming at times disapproved and unpopular.” (Thomas S Monson)

President Ronald Reagan affirmed; “There are no easy answers, but there are simple answers. We must have the courage to do what we know is morally right.”

There are many that live quite; moral lives that do the right thing, at the right time, for the right reason even, (and especially) when it’s inconvenient or awkward.  Quite courage sometimes means doing hard or unpleasant tasks and often requires that we act. Dale Carnegie opined; “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Courage sometimes requires, as Winston Churchill taught, that we stand up and speak and at other times mandates that we sit down and listen.

Lynn G Robbins wisely taught, “While it certainly takes courage to face perils, the true badge of courage is overcoming the fear of men. For example, Daniel’s prayers helped him face lions, but what made him lionhearted was defying King Darius (see Daniel 6). That kind of courage is a gift of the Spirit to the God-fearing who have said their prayers. Queen Esther’s prayers also gave her that same courage to confront her husband, King Ahasuerus, knowing that she risked her life in doing so (see Esther 4:8–16).”

Click on this link and watch this short meaningful video about Ester and three modern women who faced adversity with courage!

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2013-03-004-courage?lang=eng

It is easy to become discouraged when faced with trials and adversity but, “discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage.” (Neal A Maxwell)  When we face the challenges of life with courage rather than fear we are able to boldly go forward with renewed hope and faith. Therefore, “Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” (Joshua 1:9)

Till next time, keep your head up!

Faith, Failure, and Lifting Others

I was pretty timid as a young medical student doing a six-week obstetrics clerkship. In order to get opportunities to deliver babies I had to compete with other students, interns and residents.  I was worried about doing things wrong – I was full of fear, which caused me to miss out on several opportunities to deliver babies. In short I wasn’t doing well and it showed. One of my professors, Dr. James Maciulla, sat down with me in private and we talked things over for a long time.  This little heart to heart altered my academic path and trajectory. Dr Maciulla taught me that we learn by doing, and that it’s ok to fail, that failure is part of the learning process. He promised me that if I would plow forward and try hard that my self-confidence would increase, and it did.

I learned a few things from this experience:

First:

Fear is paralyzing! Living a productive life requires that we ACT! We learn by doing! We must be doers not just dreamers. In a collection of poems Rabindranath Tagore exclaimed, “The song that I came to sing remains unsung to this day. I have spent my days in stringing and in unstringing my instrument.”  Many die with their proverbial music still in them because they were either too afraid to act or too lazy to try.  For me, I was watching valuable opportunities, (once in a lifetime opportunities as it turned out); pass me by because I was paralyzed by fear. I overcame this by forcing myself to act, as painful as it was. 

The antidote for fear is faith. Faith and fear cannot exist in the same person at the same time; one will cast out the other. In order for faith to have power in our lives we must have more than faith in ourselves, we must have faith in God.  Faith that He exists, faith that He loves us, faith that He has all power and that “he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”  (Hebrews 11:6)  As we seek, we will surely find, then we will be able to exclaim as did the apostle Paul to the Philippians; “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  (Philippians 4:13)  Faith in God leads us to the well of self worth, self respect and self confidence.

Second:

Failure is part of learning. Success is not in never stumbling but in getting up every time you fall. I saw this acted out recently at my son’s high school track meet. The girls were running the hurdles. Long after the fastest runners crossed the finish line, our eyes were riveted on a young runner who tripped over every hurdle near the end of the course. Each time she fell it took longer for her to get up.  At one point her fall looked so painful that I wondered if she would get up and finish the race. To her credit she did. As she crossed the finish line the crowd applauded, to me she had won the race.

Kevin J Worthen, president of Brigham Young University taught, “We should not be so fearful of failing that we avoid trying new and hard things… how we respond when we fail will ultimately determine how well we will succeed… Finally, we can be assured that however we have failed, it can, from an eternal perspective, be changed…. Because of the Atonement, all failures are changeable and temporary, except the one that occurs when we give up. So whatever you do, don’t you dare give up.”

Third:

One person can make a difference. At that time in my life so many years ago, Dr. Maciulla made a lasting difference in my life. He took time out of his busy day to help me, and I have never been the same. We can make time in our lives to serve others.

One of my favorite stories in all sports occurred at Olympic Park, in Melbourne, Australia on March 11 1956, during the Australian mile championship. “While running the 1500 meters a runner named Ron Clarke crashed down after clipping another competitor’s heel, John Landy, who was very close behind, leaped desperately to clear his body. He didn’t quite manage that, his spikes landing on the inside of Clarke’s arm.  Landy pulled up, and with other runners streaming past him, took the time to trot back to Clarke – who was still on the ground – and check how badly hurt he was. And yes, he also apologized.

           

Assured that the injury wasn’t too serious, Landy looked up, then did something that astonished most of the 22,000 spectators. With Clarke on his feet now, and urging him on, he began to chase a field of runners that had gone a long way past him.

He had about a lap and a half to go. And amazingly, he won the race. His act of chivalry had cost him perhaps up to seven seconds, and there is no doubt he sacrificed the chance of a world record. John Landy did not just win a championship that day. He took a footrace into folklore.

His was a classic sporting gesture. It was a senseless piece of chivalry --- but it will be remembered as one of the finest actions in the history of sport. In a nutshell, he sacrificed his chance of a world record to go to the aid of a fallen rival. And in pulling up, trotting back to Ron Clarke, muttering ‘Sorry’ and deciding to chase the field, he achieved much more than any world record …”

A lot of people wondered why he pulled up. The truth is, of course, that he didn’t think about it. It was the instinctive action of a man whose mate is in trouble.”  As we run the race of life let us take time to lift others. We can all think back to a time when we have been lifted by the kindness of another. The injunction to each of us is “go and do thou likewise.”  (Luke 10:37)

As we go forward in faith, unafraid of failing, and looking for opportunities to lift others our lives will be blessed, we will be filled with peace, joy and HOPE and we will bring the same into the lives of others.

Till next time, keep your head up!

Be Your Best Self!

Too often we fall short of our true potential. We seem to be stuck in a rut of undesirable routines and habits.  We want to change, but seem to be unable to muster the discipline required to become our best self. In the pursuit of excellent living we seem to be battling windmills like Don Quixote with similar results. The solution to this malaise of mediocrity is illustrated by one of my favorite stories – The Story of Lord George.

Lord George had led an evil life.  He had been a drunkard, a gambler and a cheat in his business.  And his face reflected the life he had led. It was an evil face. 

One day he fell in love with a simple country girl, to whom he proposed marriage.  Jenny Mere told him that she could never marry a man whose face was so repulsive and so evil looking. And also that when she did marry, she wanted a man with a saint-like face, which was the mirror of true love.

Following a custom of the day, Lord George went down to Mr. Aeneas in Bond Street, London.  Aeneas made waxen masks for people and his skill was so perfect that the person’s identity was completely hidden. As proof of his skill, it was said that many spendthrift debtors, equipped with his masks, could pass among their creditors unrecognized.  Aeneas went to his storeroom, selected a mask, heated it over a lamp, and fixed it to Lord George’s face.  When Lord George looked in the glass he had the face of a saint who loved dearly.  So altered was his appearance that Jenny Mere was soon wooed and won.

He bought a little cottage in the country, almost hidden in an arbor of roses, with a tiny garden spot.  From then on his entire life changed.  He became interested in nature.  He found, sermons in stone, books in brooks, and good in everything.  Formerly his life was blasé and life had no interest for him, now he was engrossed in kindliness and the world around him.

He was not content with starting life anew, but tried to make amends for the past.  Through a confidential solicitor he restored his ill-gotten gains to those whom he had cheated.  Each day brought new refinements to his character, more beautiful thoughts to his soul.

By accident, his former companions discovered his identity.  They visited him in his garden and urged him to return to his old evil life.  When he refused, he was attacked and the mask was torn from his face.

He hung his head.  Here was the end of it all.  Here was the end of his newfound life and his love dream.  As he stood with head bowed with the mask at his feet on the grass, his wife rushed across the garden and threw herself on her knees in front of him.  When she looked up at him what do you suppose she found?  Lo, line for line, feature for feature, his face was the same as that of the mask.

What a wonderful story, we do take on the appearance of our thoughts, our desires, and our actions.  It is important to note that the mask was a façade, the change came from within, it came from his heart.  As we act in harmony with timeless principles, our hearts begin to transform and there comes a point when we are no longer ACTING, but we realize that we are evolving into something better that we ever could have imagined and see the potential for even greater transformation as we go forward day by day.  

I realize that some of you that are reading this blog post are not religious.  For me, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I hold Jesus Christ up as the person that I want to emulate. As I emulate in my own life the timeless values Christ taught and exemplified like honesty, integrity, obedience, patience, long suffering, kindness, meekness, humility, and diligence – I see me becoming a better version of myself.  Everyday, I fail to live up to the ideal, but I take baby steps towards becoming my best self. As you act by emulating these principles in your life, I know that you will have a similar result. The speed of change is inconsequential; the direction we are heading is critical!  Over time, small course corrections now, produce colossal changes in the future.

As we move forward, our self-confidence will flourish. Will this not increase our HOPE? We will then not be afraid –

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

Begin your quest to Be Your Best Self today! Till next time, keep your head up!